Astonishing Blood Armadillo

Context

This character is an original creation. We often call these “homemades” or “homebrewed” – think home cooking or craft beer.

Many of these characters were created to take part in tabletop role-playing game sessions. Others were invented as a creative writing exercise, often as part of a community event.

This specific character was part of an event using Lee’s Useless Super-Hero Generator. The rolls were :

• Name: The Astonishing Blood Armadillo.
• Powers: Invulnerability, Pyrokinesis, Animal Control.
• Source of powers: Sold soul to Devil.
• Weapon: Blood Net.
• Transportation: Armadillo Pick-Up Truck.

Background

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Powers and Abilities

As my agent of infernal justice, I have given the Astonishing Blood Armadillo the power to ignite fires with his mind. In addition, he is extremely difficult to kill, which is just as well since I don’t want his freakin’ soul!

Finally, I’ve granted him dominion over my Earthly army, the armadillos and their cousins. “What, no armor ?” you say. “But wouldn’t that fit nicely with his whole motif ?” It didn’t occur to me, okay. Shut up !

I did fix up his truck, though, and made it so he never needs to buy gas again. And I gave him the Blood Net which is made from Infernal Hemp. Can’t remember why. I’m sure I had a reason for the net.

History

Okay, before we begin let’s get a few things straight. First off, I don’t like the term “demon”. It prejudices people against a guy from the outset. “Devil” is just as bad. I mean, apart from devil’s food cake, when have you ever heard that word used positively ?

”Fallen angel“ ? Hey, I didn’t fall ; I was pushed ! Me, I prefer U.O.A.E.. That’s Unfairly Ostracized Angelic Entity.

Second, I didn’t rebel. Look, I went to one freakin’ meeting, okay ! I’m standing around nibbling on my ambrosia and sipping my nectar and listening to The Morningstar rant about some top secret plan of the Big Guy’s to populate the universe with animated clay.

Now, once Lucifer gets himself started, boy, look out. You haven’t heard righteous indignation ’til you’ve caught one of Luci’s raps about humanity, let me tell you. And that’s the problem with Luci ’cause that’s his only real power. He starts talking and you listen ’cause he seems to be making sense.

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Paradise misplaced

Anyway, I’m standing there with my ambrosia and nectar like I said, listening to the first and foremost among the angelic host telling everyone that God’s about to make us all second class citizens. And I’m nibbling and nodding. And sipping and nodding. And murmuring to other angels around me who are also nodding.

And all of a sudden, Luci’s speech changes from “what we should do” to “what we will do, now” and Azmodeus sticks a flaming sword in my hand and says, “Are you with us, Faziel?” And I’m thinking, “Hey, man, I’m just here for the refreshments.”

That’s what I’m thinking. Honest. I have no reason to lie now, do I ? Trouble is it comes out, “Yes, let us storm the Throne and voice our extreme displeasure!”

Azmodeus smiles at me. Then he turns to the next angel, gives him a flaming mace, and asks, “Are you with us, Gladiel ?” And I’m thinking, “What have I freakin’ done, now ?” And then, before I know what’s happening, there we all are storming the Throne.

Well, there THEY all are. Me? I’m trying desperately to hand off my flaming sword to anybody who’ll take it ’cause I’ve got a feeling how this is gonna end and I’m not looking forward to it.

But the battle is over before I can find another poor slob to take my sword and me and the other ’rebels’ are rounded up by the archangel Michael (who never liked me) and brought before the Throne for judgment. And I’m cast out with the rest of them!

Turn up the heat

They take my beautiful wings and I’ve gotta change my name and we all gotta relocate to Not Heaven (the name Hell came much later) and all that crap. No trial! No defense attorney! No justice, I tell you! No justice! I been trying to file an appeal for 6 million years ! Heaven won’t even entertain the notion.

Third, I didn’t choose to be Infernal Regent of Armadillos. I’m not an idiot, you know. I mean, would you choose that title? The thing is, the first day we’re all there in Not Heaven, Lucifer calls a meeting. Seems that since he was so pissed off at God he decides to piss God off as much as he can.

I mean, the fact that he just turned a third of the Big Guy’s best friends against him isn’t enough for old Luci. No, he’s gotta put some salt on the wound. He decides to do this by parodying in Not Heaven everything that goes on in Heaven.

Now, in Heaven all the cute little angels have their own cute little sphere of influence. There are angels of mercy and dolphins and quality footwear. And Luci decides that he’s gonna make U.O.A.E.’s of hate and earwigs and Birkenstock sandals. But me, I hear that Luci’s called another meeting and I make myself scarce.

Come on, what would you do? I got kicked out of my home the first, last, and only time I attended one of his little soirées so I’m having nothing to do with this one! By the time I realize what’s what; that Luci’s handing out job assignments, it’s too late.

A game of regencies

I’ve got my choice of Prince of that Bloated Feeling, Lord of Shriveled Milk Duds, or Infernal Regent of Armadillos. So, I choose the Armadillos. They’ve got a shell and they’re kind of freaky looking so I figure, maybe I can work with them. So, maybe I am an idiot. Sue me.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about Freddy. Frederick Baum is a good kid. Always has been, really. He’s always been a loser, too, but who am I to judge. He was picked on mercilessly in school by jocks and preps and other losers. At home, his family didn’t even try to understand him. Work at the local K-Mart was excruciatingly dull.

His only escape was in the musical artistry of his favorite Heavy Metal band, Razyr Sandwytch. “Artistry?” More like “3^rd grade poetry about sex, death, and Hell set to really lousy music played by arrested adolescents.” But what the heck, it gave the kid some solace so why should I knock it.

Razyr Sandwytch became Freddy’s world. He wrote bad poetry like his hero Razyr Sandwytch lead singer, Keith Retch. He took guitar lessons to learn to play like Sandwytch axeman, Stomp.

He also got himself involved in the occult. Poor dope didn’t realize that it was all part of the act for Retch and his bandmates. None of them really believed in that stuff. But Freddy did.

Just say the words

One day while shopping in an out of the way occult bookstore, Freddy found a dusty old tome called Making a Pact with Lucifer for Fun and Profit. Naturally, he felt irresistibly drawn to the book and immediately purchased it. Freddy ran home, locked himself in his room, cranked up Razyr Sandwytch’s Bile Stew CD on his stereo, and poured over the strange tome.

Among the largely inaccurate occult information in the book was an honest to, well, God U.O.A.E. – Summoning Ritual.

Freddy thought that the Ritual could be his ticket to Heavy Metal stardom (and his ticket out of Sunny Gulch, Arizona.) The Summoning required a sacrifice, however, and Freddy, as I said, was a good kid. He couldn’t kill anyone regardless of how much they might deserve it.

So, Freddy gathered the other ingredients to the Ritual and drove his old pick-up truck about a mile out of town to the spot on Interstate Highway 80 that the locals call Splat Alley.

Splat Alley

The reason Splat Alley is called Splat Alley is because of the number of opossums, raccoons, coyotes, and armadillos that get creamed by speeding motorists while trying to cross the highway. Freddy pulled his truck off the road and waited. And sure enough, before long a big ’dillo met a GMC Pacer doing 68 mph (who knew they could go that fast ?).

Freddy ran out into the road and scooped up the body. Using the road kill as a sacrifice, Freddy performed the Ritual right out of the book.

Now, if you kill your next door neighbor with a chainsaw and splash his blood around while chanting the right words in Latin, you’re gonna attract the attention of Lucifer or Belial or some other big shot like that. If, on the other hand, your blood sacrifice is road pizza and half the Latin words are pronounced wrong you get someone like me.

So, I pop up in a cloud of sulfur and brimstone, which smells just as awful as you’ve heard. I give Freddy the big diabolical welcome: “I am Baffleshkit, the Nine-Banded, Infernal Regent of Armadillos. Why have you summoned me puny mortal?”

And I’m standing there looking damn impressive, I think, with my blood red shell and my foot long claws and my nostrils flaring with smoke and fire and all Freddy can manage is a disappointed, “Typical” which kinda hits me where I live, you know.

Demonic pact

So I ask him what he expected to show up what with his squashed armadillo sacrifice and his creative Latin, and all. And he tells me his plan to sell his soul to Lucifer in exchange for musical ability to rival his heroes Razyr Sandwytch. I tell him I think I can arrange that and I’m not lying ’cause all I’ve really gotta do is break every one of his fingers and pull out his voice box.

But before I get a chance to perform surgery he starts telling me why he wants to be like these preening morons in spandex. He tells me about his family and school and work and how no one understands him and how alone he feels and, I’ll be honest, I start to feel sorry for the pimply loser.

I’m thinking to myself, “I’ve gotta help this kid out. He’s so freakin’ pathetic !” And then I hit on a plan. A plan to help him and maybe help myself!

I grant him superpowers! And I tell him, “Go out into the world and use your infernal abilities in the service of justice! And when a decade and a day has passed I will come to you and grant you dominion over all that is Heavy Metal!”

I figure if he does good maybe I can finally get a hearing in Heaven, you know. And maybe the powers and prestige of being a super-hero will help Freddy’s self esteem issues so that he won’t idolize such jackasses.

In the meantime, I’ve got 9 and half years to learn how to play electric guitar. I’m so screwed. But, at least the racket pisses off the neighbors.

Description

As the Astonishing Blood Armadillo, Freddy wears a blood red (naturally) bodysuit and cape with black gloves and boots. On his chest is emblazoned a red armadillo within a yellow corona of flame. His red cowl boasts armadillo ears, a long snout, and completely inaccurate tusks. He keeps the Blood Net wrapped up around his waist.

In his civilian guise, Freddy favors Heavy Metal T-shirts particularly those that feature his favorite band, Razyr Sandwytch. Ragged blue jeans and black work boots complete the ensemble.  Freddy’s shaggy hair is shoulder length and dyed platinum blond. He has a thin lanky build and an unremarkable face.

The Armadillo Pick-Up is a shiny black truck with his armadillo and flame motif on the hood. It’s license plate reads “666”. When not in use as a vehicle of justice, the Pick-Up becomes a rust-covered piece of crap. The floor of the truck is littered with refuse from fast food restaurants.

Personality

Freddy is a likeable loser who has taken to the task of Dispenser of Justice with gusto. He sometimes tries to intimidate the criminals he preys upon, usually to no effect.

As both the Astonishing Blood Armadillo and Freddy, he often peppers his dialogue with lyrics from Razyr Sandwytch songs. He’s always very pleased with himself when he can fit a favorite song title into a fight scene. The dope is gonna get himself unmasked, I just know it.

Quotes

“I am the Astonishing Blood Armadillo ! Feel the heat of my unholy wrath !”

DC Universe History

No.

Oh, the Blood Net, I remember ! I gave him the net because all the other devil-type guys get pitchforks. Pitchforks kinda look like tridents, you see, and in the old gladiator movies they’d always have a guy with a sword and shield fighting a guy with a trident and net. The other infernal agents get tridents. Mine gets a net.

Oh, shut up ! You weren’t even there. I had to come up with a unified name and look and motif in a few seconds !

By Vincent Paul Bartilucci.

Source of Character: Lee’s Useless Super-Hero Generator and me !

Helper(s): Baffleshkit, the Nine-Banded, Infernal Regent of Armadillos.